Location: North Ave & Belair Road, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.3/5
Description: This is the double rainbow of bus bench zombies. Unfortunately, in this case the second rainbow is blocking my favorite part where the bench makes the completely valid assertion that Baltimore is in fact the greatest city in America.
People always scoff at that statement like that’s an ironic statement or something. Sure, our residents of Hollins Market area rarely live past 60, and our number of people living below the poverty line has been higher than the entire state of Maryland until about 5 years ago, but long, healthy, productive lives are not what make American cities great.
Think about it folks, what makes America great? Our education? HA! Our healthcare system? HAHAHA! How about our income equality? HAHAHAHAHA! No folks, what has and always will make America great are guns, and Baltimore has a FUCKLOAD more guns than your city.
16-years-old kid wants to shoot someone at a carryout because they wanted the $10 he had in his pocket? We have a gun for that. 14-year-old girl wants to hold up some Hispanic dudes and then shoot them in the head when they laugh because she’s so young? We have a gun for that. District 9 City Councilman want to shoot at a crowd of angry poll workers because you promised them money to work and reneged on the offer? We DEFINITELY have a gun for that (don’t we Pete?).
So Baltimore may not be the healthiest, cleanest, most hospitable city in America, but when it comes to what really makes an America great, we’re packing more than our fair share.