Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.2/5
Description: Fuck yeah Baltimore!! This dude has his spike in hand and is getting it done right there on the sidewalk! In most cities this dude would be afraid of the cops, but in Baltimore he probably bought it from the cops (looking at you Daniel Redd).
Location: MLK and Lombard, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.6/5
Description: Do you love to shoot heroin but hate it when you crap your pants? Who doesn’t!
Well, this enterprising young man has the solution for you! Shoot dope all day AND save on laundry. The best part is, the savings can roll right back into your dope habit so the fun don’t stop ‘til the veins all pop!
Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.2/5
Description: It’s refreshing to see junkies taking time out of their busy schedule to stop and smell the roses…. and then steal them.
This was sent in from a reader who wanted to show just how much heroin addicts enhance the lives of the non-addicted residents. I mean could you imagine having people walking the streets pulling weeds (and flowers) from your flower pots in the middle of the night in the suburbs? Suburban residents would spend the entire time complaining about how much the service costs and the effect it would have on their property tax, yadda, yadda, yadda.
In Baltimore, we cut all that shit out and just leave that kind of service up to our “underground economy” service providers, who provide this service as well as change-left-in-the-car cleaning as well as copper pipe removal. I’ve been running this site for nearly two years and I finally understand why people write in to defend the addicted who wander the streets, it’s because of all the great free services they provide us!
Location: 54th and Eastern, Dundalk, MD
Rating: 3.8/5
Description: One trilogy and two prequels later and Gollum’s still at it looking for his “Precious”. Who knew that the “one to rule them all” was being sold in gram increments by 15 year-old kids who dropped out of school and live in their grandma’s basement.
Location: Baltimore Light Rail, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.6/5
Caption: Watch out for zombies disguised in business suits.
Description: This submission is like a modern version of Trading Places. I can just see this guy impressing the board at a T Rowe with his street smarts such as the number of grams in an ounce or how much baby powder you can mix with cocaine and still get a decent high.
Unfortunately, it’s more likely this is just his day in court and honestly I’m worried for the guy. Not seriously worried, junkies never go to jail for the myriad number of property and theft crimes they perpetrate to keep feeding the beast. I just worried he might not have enough time to get the suit cleaned before the next one!
Location: Boston, MA
Rating: 2.2/5
Caption: We watched her try to light a cigarette for about 5 minutes with her head threatening to hit the ground between her knees. Totally should have taken a video.
Description: This site is going to coin a new term in the dictionary called “video regret”. It’s where you’re trying to take a picture of a perfect leaner and you get some good pics but they don’t do justice to the talent on display.
This submission, while solid, is probably a good two points from where it would be if I had a video of a woman’s head playing chicken with the pavement.
Two years and nearly a million unique visitors later the Baltimore Sun finally decides to make mention of one of the regions largest online cultural phenomenons… sort of.
Hey Jean, the “Baltimore civic porn site” you’re referring to is spelled T-H-A-T-G-U-Y-S-O-N-H-E-R-O-I-N.
Location: Dundalk, MD
Rating: 4.1/5
Description: Dundalk is giving Baltimore a run for the money these days! This submission is the first 4+ I’ve ever rated where the subject was not standing.
I like the innovative double-decker bus stop zombie these guys are pulling off. I bet the benches in Dundalk used to say “Greatest City in America” too until Baltimore took the title…
Location: Riverside Park, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.3/5
Description: Richard Simmons was in Baltimore and I missed it! Damn it, there goes my chance to get my Deal a Meal cards autographed.
Location: Sharp and Hill St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.2/5
Caption: …on their way to the Ravens preseason game. It looks like he’s crying b/c he doesn’t have a ticket to the game. Dude, it’s just a preseason game!
Description: Sure, this guy is living out of a series of grocery bags and tackle boxes, and appears to be rip-roaring blasted on opiates, but I have to agree with him for feeling bad about missing the game. Crying like a pussy, well that’s his prerogative.
Location: President Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.4/5
Description: If Forrest Gump and The Walking Dead got together to make a movie, I’m pretty sure this would be the opening scene.
Location: E Baltimore St and Ellwood, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.3/5
Description: She’s not on heroin, she’s just doubled over in grief after hearing that Santoni’s in Highlandtown is closing down. Without Rob Santoni around who is going to take her federally funded food stamps and then bitch about taxes?!
Location: Inner Harbor, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.1/5
Description: This submission pulls the curtain back a little and shows the dude warming up his spike before liftoff. This zombie is particularly lacking in give-a-shit. While all is fair in love and heroin, shooting up in broad daylight is still consider a faux pas, even in Baltimore.
Location: Fayette and Pine, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.4/5
Description: After 16 days of bitter, partisan, brinkmanship this guys decided to finally pay his dealer for the smack he took out on loan.
Location: Department of Social Services, W. Pratt Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.1/5
Description: I bet this guy’s ADD is keeping him from being able to fill out that disability form…
Location: Howard and Lombard, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.5/5
Description: What a showoff!! For most of us mere mortals shooting heroin would make walking a pretty big deal. Crossing a busy street would be a Herculean task. Crossing a busy street WITH A TRAIN barreling down one of the lanes is just straight up showing off and this dude needs to be taken down a notch.
The EMS piece at the end is priceless and I added a full .1 of a point for the hilarity of seeing this dude snap to attention when the siren started.
Location: Boston, MA
Rating: 3.2/5
Description: The only thing which disappoints me more than the O’s not making it to the playoffs this year is having to watch Boston in the world series. It’s not that I have anywhere near the hatred for the Sox as I do the Yankees, it’s just that if their team does well there is a greater chance I’ll have to put up with their annoying fans next year in Camden Yards.
When Boston has a good season they flood Camden Yards the next year and I inevitably end up sitting next to some yuppie asshole and his pasty-white spawn with some fucking Ikea name like Madison or Tanner. Every damn time they are in town and I also have the pleasure of overhearing the same fucking trite conversations with their kids about how dangerous Baltimore is because they saw half an episode of The Wire once.
Listen Boston, I get it. We have a fucking awesome park which isn’t shaped like a rorschach test, so of course you want to visit. Just stop talking shit about my city when you’re here, and for God’s sake get your kids some sun!!
Location: York Rd and Belvedere, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.9/5
Description: You can thank none other than Baltimore-native Sisqo for this horrific image… I’m in the process of collecting pictures and video of all the fat, heroin-addled, thong-wearing women in Baltimore for the music video for my upcoming single “The Wrong Song”. Look for it on my upcoming album Chasing the Dragon.
Location: Charles and 24th, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.1/5
Description: I don’t usually give anything over a 3 to someone lying down, but one look at the flip phone and the inner-hipster in me threw him some extra points. Or maybe I took a horseshoe rating and added one for leaning against the pole?
Either way, this dude needs to do us all a favor and stick to the heroin and not so much crack.
Location: Green Street and Pratt, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.6/5
Description: I can’t decide whether the junkie is photobombing the hot dog dude, or if the hot dog dude is photobombing the junkie… You decide.
