Location: Federal Hill Park, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.5/5
Description: This lean would score a lot of points at Jessup, but at TGOH we expect a lot more from our submissions. Sorry Mork from Ork, but real heroin addicts don’t use benches that way.
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Location: Federal Hill Park, Baltimore, MDRating:...
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Location: Federal Hill, Baltimore,...
Location: Federal Hill, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.3/5
Caption: "…I almost felt guilty for calling an ambulance and wake him from his slumber, but I didn’t want to deal with the possibility of a dead junkie on my doorstep."
Description: I can think of nothing more badass to tell all my co-workers who live in the county than I’m going to be late to work because there is a dead junkie on my doorstep. I think after a call like that I’d be be able to take two donuts on Raven’s Friday and no one would say a damn thing.
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Blog Awards...
Baltimore Sun’s Mobbie award nominations are over and somehow we didn’t end up on the list… again…
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Location: Maryland and Biddle, Baltimore,...
Location: Maryland and Biddle, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.0/5
Caption: Thor here was walking about a block in front of me with a bright blue frozen drink in one hand and a big plastic bag in the other. I was walking past him when he started doing the familiar dance.
I could have gotten a much clearer, closer picture, but I have a significant inner conflict about this whole topic.
Opiate addiction is a tragedy, and Baltimore is riddled with it. Yet some of the best comedy is developed as a method of coping with tragedy…so I find myself torn about this blog, and the very idea of taking pictures of the various junkie leans I’ve seen.
Maybe I’m too fucking serious.
Anyway, this was the first time I’d really felt it was too good to miss. This guy was a serious trooper. He simply refused to drop. He put down his drink and bag and ended up doing a couple of 360’s (in the picture, he’s facing the reverse of the direction he was walking) but he was still on his feet as I left.
Description: First off, fucking great lean and thanks for sharing. Secondly, I broke my standard practice of truncating captions here because I wanted to share that one in it’s entirety.
This caption is great because besides sounding like a soliloquies from Hamlet, it shows the inner conflict Baltimoreans face every day with our heroin-enhanced neighbors. Do you try to help them, report them or just simply ignore them? Well, ignoring them didn’t work and just gave them a license to shoot dope on your streets, helping them doesn’t work because 99% of addicts blasted out of their mind I’ve ever talked to just get pissed at you for ruining their high, and calling the cops is pointless because the cops can’t do shit unless they are actively shooting up and even then it’s in such small quantities they’ll be out the next day.
So as a city we choose the fourth option - Humor. If you can’t laugh at it you’re just going to cry, and I want to thank this guy for joining the rest of us here at TGOH who learned how to laugh a little. And don’t feel like a bad person, with any luck this guy will find his way and look back and laugh with us.
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Location: Park Ave and Fayette, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: Park Ave and Fayette, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.8/5
Description: This near-perfect lean only gets better when this dude tries to “thread the needle” between a parking meter and a car four feet away… and misses. He does eventually make it through, and this of course deserves a celebration… in the middle of the street… where he passed out again.
Baltimore. Fuck Yeah!
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Location: York and Northern Parkway, Baltimore,...
Location: York and Northern Parkway, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.9/5
Description: The voice over says it all. I think it’s safe to assume that we all walked into this video assuming amateur hour and instead got a lesson from the master.
We usually don’t see that kind of talent in the median, and not because the police enforce our “no panhandling in the median” law, but rather because talent like that doesn’t last long in areas with a speed limit of 50…
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Location: 1700 Eastern Ave, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: 1700 Eastern Ave, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.4/5
Description: I love this submission because it shows the life-cycle of a heroin blast, as reenacted by a Tom Selleck impersonator.
Stage 1: Incognito:
Completely confident that no one notices as he drifts in and out of consciousness while pacing around a suitcase full of the few possessions which he hasn’t pawned for smack… yet.
Stage 2: Sleepy:
Does that concrete feel as comfortable as it looks?
Stage 3: Busted!
Thanks for the shot of Naloxone! Now can I catch a ride to my dealer in your big red truck?
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Location: Highland Ave and Monument, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: Highland Ave and Monument, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.4/5
Description: This bench is sorely lacking “Greatest City in America” status and this dude is not taking it well. Buck up there big guy, this bench would still finish strong in a good portion of the developing world, which is right where America will be after the next few budget talks.
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Location: Royal Farms, Washington Blvd and Monroe, Baltimore,...
Location: Royal Farms, Washington Blvd and Monroe, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.3/5
Description:Reason #524 Baltimore is better than your city:Royal Farms
Sure, most cities have a decent convenience store chain, a cheap gas station, and a fried chicken shop which will stop your heart and put a smile on your face. But I’ll bet you a box of Berger Cookies they don’t have all three under one greasy roof.
The only downside I’ve seen to this amazing business model is that the combination of lottery tickets, cigarettes and cheap fried chicken make it a bug light for zombies, who - like this guy - make it tough to get service when they can’t see over the counter.
Note: If you’re planning on writing in and letting me know WaWa is better you can stop now. Sure, I love getting drunk and mashing a touchscreen and getting the best turkey and cream cheese sub of my life, but it doesn’t come close to the joy of getting chicken you literally have to double bag so it doesn’t fall though.
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Location: 7-Eleven, N Calvert St, Baltimore,...
Location: 7-Eleven, N Calvert St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.3/5
Caption: Spent 5+ minutes trying to make himself a coffee which he then put in a cloth bag and tried to sneak out with. One of the employees caught him and they were in the process of calling the cops as I left.
Description: A distant third in the Baltimore area convenience store rankings, 7-Eleven coffee hits a new low when nodding zombies refuse to pay for it. None-the-less, I still wouldn’t want to be the guy on record attempting to steal the 7-Eleven coffee in question.
Sure, if they arrest him he’s only going to spend about 20 minutes in jail, which is barely enough time to get his first BGF tag, but he’ll still have to wear the badge of shame of being the guys who attempted to steal a pretty lousy cup of coffee… and failed.
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Location: Budapest, HungaryRating: 2.7/5Description: You can...
Location: Budapest, Hungary
Rating: 2.7/5
Description: You can tell that this isn’t the United States because the benches don’t boast that their city is the greatest while ironically deteriorating from lack of maintenance. Instead, this comes from a country which barely 30 years ago was still salivating over the prospect of indoor plumbing and now has infrastructure which America pins up on our bedroom wall and wacks-off to at night.
Well, they came a long way on their infrastructure, but they still have a long way to go on their leaners.
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In case you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up...
In case you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to…
Printing begins this week, limited supply so make sure to check back often, when the first batch sells that’s it for the year.
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Location: 200 E. Lexington St, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: 200 E. Lexington St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.1/5
Description: Ahh, Baltimore fashion. The initial plan was to create a time capsule for all outdated 90’s hip-hop fashions and store them away so our grandchildren could one day unbury them and realize how ridiculously we dressed trying to look like Chris “Daddy Mac” Smith.
When that plan was found to be too expensive the world chose the cheaper route of letting idiots in Baltimore continue to walk around looking like complete tools and agreeing to never call them out on failed fashion trends from over twenty years ago. JNCO jeans and tall tees are allowed to be worn by all without ridicule in the name of preservation of a lost fashion which the vast majority of Americans have found to be a complete waste of perfectly good cotton.
The only downfall I can see in this plan is that I can’t tell if he’s just holding his pants up, or dropping trou in the middle of the street (which is worth a few tenths of a point at least).
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Location: Baltimore, MDRating: 4.8/5Description: Found this on...
Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.8/5
Description: Found this on youtube and couldn’t help but post. Musta been a slow day at the office… From 2:45 on this video is pure gold.
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Location: Mt. Royal and North Ave, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: Mt. Royal and North Ave, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.6/5
Description: This reminds me of every time I’ve been drunk on the dance floor (OK… every time I’m been on a dance floor). In this dude’s mind he’s pulling off a perfect moonwalk, and for everyone else it looks like he’s slowly backing away from a knife-wielding ex.
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Location: Mout Vernon Park, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: Mout Vernon Park, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.9/5
Caption: This guy kept nodding out so hard in Mount Vernon Park during the monthly ‘First Thursday’s Concert’, that he banged his head on the metal table and opened up a nice smack-wound. Hey, now he has a new spot to directly apply his vein-candy!
Description: My ex-wife did the same thing. At least that’s what the bitch better be telling you…
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T-Shirt on Sale Now!
Are you looking for the perfect holiday gift for your Baltimore friends and family? How about something which says “Your city is fucking hardcore”?
TGOH offers a handmade, screen printed shirt which does just that, giving your Baltimore friends the validation they need that you care enough about them so they decide not to stab you this year.
Check them out at our Bigcartel Shop, and remember - Friends don’t stab friends who buy them t-shirts!
TGOH
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Location: MLK and Pratt Street, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: MLK and Pratt Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.1/5
Description: This one might not look like a 4, but let me point a few things out to the uninitiated.
1. The following thought went through her head: “Hey, I think it’s a great idea to take my shoes off right now waiting for a bus on MLK…. why the fuck not?”
2. She’s NOT ACTUALLY SITTING. She thinks “any fucking Tom, Dick or Harry can blast off on a lazyboy and snooze the day away, but it takes a heroin-jedi motherfucker like me to blast off and work out my quads for 30 minutes straight like it ain’t a thing.”
3. The poster on the bus stop say’s “Your kids emulate you”. I can’t make that shit up. If the state ever gives her kids back we can see how true that is, but I guess we’re going to have to take their word for it…
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Location: Saratoga and Howard, Baltimore,...
Location: Saratoga and Howard, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.9/5
Description: I wasn’t sure if this was a submission or a PBS animal documentary about street urchins.
With a camera following him down the street taking video this dude must have felt like the most interesting junkie that has ever walked the earth. I mean Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber had to blow over a dozen music producers before he got treatment like that!
Alas, it’s just the brass balls of another submitter who probably has to wear asbestos pants to keep from setting fires when they slap together. Great submission, you do your city proud.
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Location: North Avenue, Baltimore,...
Location: North Avenue, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.2/5
Description: OK Baltimore, I need you to explain something to me… If I wanted to buy a house in Midtown or Charles Village I’d basically have to sell a kidney and then a few more off of the homeless dude living in my alley, but if I want to buy a place two blocks from both of those neighborhoods on North Ave, I only need to skip lunch.
This goes with my theory of Baltimore, which is no matter how nice of a neighborhood you’re in you’re only two blocks away from your impending doom. This was of course done by design by the creators of Baltimore, who wished to cull out the weak from Baltimore’s population and send them to the burbs. Sure, it might not sounds like a good idea since Baltimore had 50 years of population loss, but in our defense - THEY WERE ALL PUSSIES.
I’m sorry we didn’t do more to keep the Bed Bath and Beyond crowd (and Home Depot, but only if there’s time… only if there’s time…) but now we are growing in population again and as a city we are spared from the shitty conversations about which TGI Friday’s is the “good” one. Fuck yeah Baltimore!
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