Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.2/5
Description: Carryout AND Liquor? It must be Christmas in Baltimore and this guy has already opened his present. Looks like he broke into the pantry a little early too and cooked himself up something special.

Honestly, why spend all that time and money going to mall in Towson? It’s so crowded, the street riots are fun but can get repetitive, and don’t get me started about getting shot in the parking garage! In Baltimore city we don’t need a mall, anything can be a Christmas present - just as long as it can be used to get blasted. We are the epitome of non-materialistic in that way, and that is an other reason I love Baltimore. Think about it, where else do spoons and a piece of rope make a perfectly fine Christmas present!?

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.3/5
Description: This is nearly identical to my last post, but rated slightly higher because of his rare form in keeping his legs straight. I don’t know what it is about smack but for some reason people use it as an excuse for horrible posture and that really drives me nuts!

I want to remind you that as the year comes to a close the postings are going to be fewer and fewer since this is the one time a year I’m allowed to break the restraining order and see family. But please keep your look out during holiday shopping season for some of the local talent and send in your submissions! Anyone who gets Santa in a lean gets an automatic front-of-the-line posting!

Location: Christmas display at the corner of 30th and Remington, Baltimore, MD
Description: Not exactly what I meant by a Santa with a lean, but it came with an amazing Christmas poem so how could I refuse?! 

Walking down the street, what should appear?
Jolly Blasted Santa, who just sold his reindeer! 
“What’s the matter Mr. Kringle? You seem to be sick!” 
Saint Nick replied “Fuhfugg ooo”, from his Bmore Dip.

Location: East Madison St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.8/5
Description: Happy New Years! I can already tell 2013 is going to be a great year!! In a stunning show of restraint Baltimore has gone a whole 17 hours before the first shooting of the year. I was going to ask for World Peace this new years but I guess someone else beat me to it!

Instead, I’m going to pick a very obtainable goal this year of shaming the heroin addicts of America into moving to Canada so those smug little bastards can stop gloating over their kick-ass economy, very well run healthcare system, and low gun violence rate. I figure one or two million good-old, American-made zombies stealing copper from live street lights and carrying around pickle jars full of their own feces* will put them in their place!

While I work hard towards bringing ruin to our woodsy neighbors to the north, I thought the new year would be a great time to share this picture of comradeship. Here you see  two rivals joined by their lifelong dream of smack are able to put aside their differences and pass out on the sidewalk together in their fight against the evil winter cold which is trying to tear them apart from their white powdery mistress. For all my readers in Hollywood, throw in a soundtrack by Howard Shore (damn Canadian!) and you’re looking at Oscar material here.

Unfortunately, this display of brotherhood doesn’t get you very far on this blog. Sitting down and passing out just makes you a bitch and the pillow for a bitch (or simply “bitch-pillow” if brevity is your thing). 

*in case you’re wondering, it’s a reference to my first post ever… since removed due to being gross.

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 1.9/5
Description: I’ve been on the fence about whether to post this one because of the obvious product placement. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea and think Ramen noodles are the official food-blanket of TGOH. Here at TGOH we realize the importance of keeping our food-blanket production in America. Sure, it might seem like a good idea to save a few bucks and buy the imported Ramen noodles to sleep under during the long winter nights, but think of the jobs which the good people of America might lose because you chose to sleep under a foreign food item. Don’t just be American, buy American…… foods to sleep under. 

From a heroin prospective this submission is horrible. Unspoiled, unopened food items which are not being pawned? Two shopping bags full of items that don’t look like a pile of soiled underwear and used condoms? Either this picture is staged or this guy should be on Heroin Hoarders.

Location: Northern Parkway and Charles, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.7/5
Description: I was driving with my less-than-city-knowledgeable friend awhile back and they actually rolled down the window and before I had a chance to dope-slap them they handed one of those guys in the median some money. Let me take this moment to educate my readers who may not live in an urban environment on why this was a bad move.

*PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT*
When you see a junkie standing in the median with a sign DO NOT give them money! There is a well worn path between a junkie with a cardboard sign and the dealer not two blocks away who they will be handing your cash to. I have had the pleasure of witnessing junkies take crack-pipe smoking breaks between idiots handing them cash off of MLK. While many drivers surely felt they were doing good by providing money to the homeless, all you are really doing is providing a 3rd or 4th high of the day for an addict. If you feel compelled to give money, give it to a 501c3, not a stranger holding cardboard.

Of course ever since I started this blog I give to every one of these cardboard bandits, but that’s just my way of stocking the pond. In this submission my efforts have paid back big time, with not only a fairly decent photo of a wacked-out ex-stripper who finally decided to take up her real passion in life as a full time job. I might be wrong about giving up stripping, and I really hope I am because the thought of one day getting a zombie-lean lap dance makes life worth living.

Location: Baltimore Convention Center, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.1/5
Description: We all know the primary purpose of the bus system in Baltimore city is transporting smacked-out junkie between benches. What we don’t know… is why?

Well here at TGOH we don’t just ask the questions, we make up answers for them! Our theory on this phenomenon is that it’s actually a ploy by Stephanie Rawlings-Blake to make Baltimore city look like we actually have MORE people than we do. SRB has already acknowledged that she has the leadership skills of a bag of rocks and now in a diabolical scheme to fool the census bureau she is paying off our homeless in H to ride the buses all day to give the appearance of a bustling metropolis!

She would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for the extensive research at TGOH and the half case of Natty Boh I drank while watching the Raven’s playoff game this afternoon!

As for the picture, this is pretty standard fare for ANY bus stop in Baltimore, and definitely a weak but typical showing of our local talent. This one doesn’t really stand out… but then again that’s exactly what SRB is hoping for…

Location: University of Maryland Medical Center, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.3/5
Description: Wow this one is deep. The smack-head who has probably been on H since ‘94 passed out in front of a cornerstone of that year like he’s in front of his own gravestone. I think I’m actually starting to get emotio….oh wait… forget it, he crapped himself.

Those are some serious skid marks on the back of the jeans and seeing how he is passed out on some pretty hard concrete I’d be willing to bet some of those stains are an inside job (if you know what I mean…). Unfortunately, while I commend his ability to keep the party going even after some uninvited guests show up, I have to take major points off for lying down on the dance floor. 

Location: Sorrentos Restaurant, Arbutus, MD
Rating: 4.1/5
Description: Most dudes pick up the hooker from Pigtown for a 10 minute pump-and-dump behind McHenry Elementary and be on their merry way back to West Virginia. Not this guy, this guy has some class, and also a hearty appetite for more than a sleepy BJ from a pockmarked smack-whore. You can tell these two are serious, eating at a restaurant and staring into each others eyes as she continually nods out while chewing on fries… This is the Baltimore version of Pretty Women.

Location: Light Rail, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.8/5
Description: The best part about this submission is that other than showing our complete lack of light rail ridership during peak hours this submission also shows the undying love that Baltimore has with jorts and our eagerness to be on the cutting edge when they come back into style. 

I’d be willing to bet the last time these pants were considered fashionable was at a Styx concert at Hammerjack’s. Unlike many east coast cities, buying pants in Baltimore is often a multi-generational decision, and this poor girl is stuck living with her parents miscalculated bet that the 80’s would never die.

I gave her a few extra points for doing the only logical thing you can do to complement those shorts and injecting as much heroin as physically possible without dying and riding public transit, but unfortunately I had to take a lot of points off for sitting down in the process.

Location: Lexington Market, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.7/5
Description: I love it when celebrities visit Baltimore, but why does it seem they always go to the same exclusive waterfront places which keep them from actually interacting with the common people of Baltimore? Daniel Craig in Harbor East, or Anderson Cooper at the Inner Harbor, etc. For once I want to see a celebrity go to a place where real Baltimoreans go and actually get to know the city as we know it.

Well ask and you shall receive. In this picture you can see actress Yvette Nicole Brown at Lexington Market, and as an added bonus she is blending in with the locals by doing the local tradition of getting fucked up on drugs and stumbling around!

What? Yvette doesn’t wear glasses? Oh…. Well in that case lets give it up for Oprah Winfrey for showing her Baltimore roots and after coming back to visit her old friends at WJZ deciding to give shooting up and muttering to herself outside of Lexington Market a try!

Oprah hates Baltimore and refuses to acknowledge she ever worked here? Oh… Well in that case this random chick is probably cooler to hang out with that either of those two anyway. Good submission, however I actually found myself taking points off for this woman looking so well put together. Then again, maybe that’s why I think she’s famous…

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.2/5
Description: I’m impressed by this picture. Not because of the passed out dude on the bench, but because I’m pretty sure that Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell took this on his late 80’s cell phone! 

Then again I’m pretty with all the retro-hipster swag being sold by both major retailers like Urban Outfitters, and small mom-and-pops on the Ave, this submitter just picked a Cellular One Car phone off the self right between the film camera and the over-sized Tortoise-rimmed glasses. Either way, this picture is a great and lends itself to becoming my icon on many a social media site.

Now for the downside… This picture doesn’t exactly scream “H’d the fuck out” from what we can see (which isn’t much…). You might want to hit the turbo button on your camera next time and crank it up to 66 MHz so you can take a better picture (if you get that reference you are officially a geek) because an avatar of some dude planking isn’t going to score big here.

Location: Paca and Baltimore Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.1/5
Description: Blast it! Foiled again by a witty caption sent in by the reader which is better than anything I can think of! 

Talk about “higher education”…

This really would not be the first time in Baltimore that a University of Maryland grad student decided to shoot some smack after class, only the last ones I know about ordered theirs online and those crafty Asians pulled a fast one one them. Once again it pays to buy American.

Location: Corner of West and Olive Street, Federal Hill, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.6/5
Description: This one came with the following caption: 

This guy actually lives in the house (but can’t seem to get in when he gets too high).  

Looking at this guy blasted outside of his house I just can’t help but get pissed off. This kind of behavior just makes me sick! I mean RECYCLING! What kind of a hippie bullshit is this guy trying to pull, and I bet he’s all smug and condescending about it too. I can just hear how the conversation with this prick would go: 

“I had such a great time last night shooting speedballs into my eyelids. After you left I made sure to recycle the used syringes and leftover vials. It makes me happy to know I’m making a positive impact on the environment!”

Fuck you, you dickless tree-hugger. God put man on this earth for one reason and one reason only - to eliminate all other species other than man. And we were doing a damn good job at it until you enviro-nazi’s started making up myths like “Global Warming”, and that fish can’t live on a healthy diet of broken glass and plastic bags. 

Well for all your smug condescension you sure handle your heroin like a pussy. Next time take your heroin like a man, on a street littered with broken, red-topped capsules and needles that are bound for some drainage ditch that runs to the bay, where all the good fallen soldiers of Baltimore are put to rest.

Location: Behind the BP on Howard and 23rd Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.9/5
Description: Wow, I don’t know if this guy is addicted to heroin or just likes to reenact the Great Depression. I love the woman behind this guy, she looks confused, like she someone told her to take a left at the second junkie and she can’t remember how many she passed (common issue in Baltimore).

I gave this submission a better than average score because with this cast of characters its a bona fide slice of Americana. This could be a Norman Rockwell painting. Wait… no it can’t, there are black people in it.

HATE MAIL RATING

MESSAGE:

i was on google looking for information about Heroine, and i came by this page. Really…? you and your wife are stupid. you need to get a life, what a sad waste of a webpage, don’t you have anything better to do with your life, than laughing at junkies?

RATING: 2.2/5

DESCRIPTION: Finally, someone with superior moral values giving me direction on what I should do with my time! I have been floundering here trying to figure out what exactly my purpose in life was and along comes this kind soul to serve as my moral compass and show me that the correct way to deal with heroin addiction is through reverence for the anointed ones we dare not make fun of. 

Honestly, this is probably the worst fucking shame-job I’ve received in a long time. If I were paying by the hour I’d cut this bitch up after I blew my load for wasting my time. The picture is stock photo shit, your message is completely unoriginal and reeks of self-importance, and your back-story about searching for heroin related material is not only unwarranted but also just a cover up for why you read through my whole site (like the About page where I mention I’m married jackass?).

Even reading this limp-dicked bullshit makes it difficult to get a hard-on and I want to apologize ahead of time to my wife who is going to have to suffer through me shoving a marshmallow in a coin slot until I can get this self-righteous asshole’s post out of my head.

Location: E. Lafeyette Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.1/5 
Description: I know what you’re thinking, that guy from Kony 2012 has a kickin’ tan! I’m guessing it’s from all that time he spent masturbating outdoors in southern California without wearing sunscreen.

Sure, I’ll be the first to admit that this guy is not on heroin. For those of you who do not live in Baltimore let me explain my reasoning… heroin addicts are “Day of the Dead” and this guy is more “28 Days Later”.

I really like the commentary about what this guy is doing, the street karate is probably my favorite. There is definitely a pharmaceutical answer to what is going on here so I feel comfortable rating this, but I took a few points off because even with all my Baltimore street cred I have no idea what this guy’s on!!

Location: N Charles and E Center St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.5/5
Description: I wish I could say this were unique. I mean the junkies fingers are literally trapped inside the coin return on the parking meter, this should probably be an unusual thing. Sadly, in Baltimore the number two killer of junkies, after just plain ol’ partying too fucking hard, is starvation from getting fingers stuck in parking meter coin returns. 

I don’t know if it’s out of habit or because they really think they’re going to get something, but I swear I see the same junkies trying the same meters every day as if someone is going to forget the change from the $100 bill they shoved in this thing. Not only that, but these machines all take credit card now, so there is no way this can be a profitable venture. But still for some reason we can’t go a day without some zombie hooked to the machine like Yogi in a bear-trap.

This might not be the best lean I’ve ever seen, but check out the guy in the Hoveround stuck behind this guy. Points off for being literally attached to a support, but I’m adding them back on for the dick move of blocking a disabled dude in the process and being so fucked up you obviously don’t give a shit that Fat Albert can’t get around. Hey hey hey!

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.3/5
Description: Wow, is it just me or does this woman look a little out of place? I mean, usually smack-heads are leaning halfway to the ground with their pants halfway to their ankles and drool halfway to the floor, but this woman is dressed like she’s on her way to the office and is walking with such a stick up her ass I had to do a double take because I thought she was white.

I took some points off this one because I just don’t believe this lady is in it to win it. She’s way too organized and put together to be a real Heroin Hero. This is the kind of person who measures their heroin with a scale and consciously rations out her supply for the week and places the extra in the freezer. TGOH is not designed for those kinds of addicts…

Here at TGOH we want the addict who sold their bone marrow a few times or volunteered for human experimentation because the SSI payment didn’t make it past the 16th. We’re looking for the all-stars of Heroin, and I’m sorry but this lady is b-side at best.

Location: Charles Street, Midtown, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.5/5
Description: It’s just like Baltimore city government to blame The Wire for the poor reputation of urban Baltimore, and gloss over the total mismanagement of city assets and decades of systematic disinvestment from not only residents but also those managing the city operations (how many cops do you know that actually live in the city?). Now that this site is picking up some steam I’m just waiting for the day when Baltimore city tries to peg TGOH for creating a perception of a drug problem in Baltimore…

Thankfully, Baltimore has people who have been chronicling Charm City’s most underutilized assets well before I took a sarcastic suggestion and turned it into a site on the interwebs. This post came with the following caption:

Took this about a year ago and saved it for the day when a glorious blog such as this existed. Snapped at 7 PM on a Sunday while I was walking back from Penn Station on Charles Street.

There is a special place in heaven for people like this (my heaven unfortunately which is analogous to most people’s hell…). I mean taking a picture of a smacked-out stranger to post to an online site which rates them for awesomeness is one thing, but taking a pic and just storing it on your phone for OVER A YEAR for nothing more than the sheer joy of viewing someone fucked up on a public street…oh wow… I can’t finish that thought, I’m getting all choked up… Baltimore… how did I ever get so lucky?!