Location: Power Plant, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Pop quiz time!

Q: The following four people are eating dinner at a restaurant, who picks up the bill:

A. The tooth fairy.
B. Santa Claus.
C. The hopelessly addicted junkie with a funny sign who will inject any money you give them into their eyeballs the second you walk away.
D. The homeless person just a little down on their luck so they made a funny sign to get money until they’re back on their feet.

Answer: C. Why you ask? BECAUSE THE OTHER THREE ARE FUCKING FIGMENTS OF YOUR IMAGINATION!!

OK, I’ll be the first to admit that mentally ill people end up on American city streets without being addicted to drugs, but the guy talking to God in front of the RoFo is too busy collecting biblical treasure from the dumpster to make witty signs and sit in populated tourist traps asking for money. If you really want to help someone who needs it and not just contribute to someone’s drug habit, start throwing away schizophrenia meds, but keep your change to yourself. 

Location: #8 Bus, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: This #8 bus line, or the Crazy Eight as it is affectionately called by the locals, was recently named the best retail on wheels by the city paper.

If you are like most Americans and view “retail” as the sale of legal products or services for legal tender you may be completely disappointed by this “retail on wheels” bullshit the city paper is selling. If instead you’re like me and read it as “this is a great place to pick up banged-up, aging hookers who will charge by the tooth, and low-grade blow (get it now… the crazy eight…)” then you’re probably closer to reality.

Unfortunately I’d feel like I was cheating rating this one because the angle of the shot leads to more questions than answers. Is he smacked out? Drunk? Tired? Just got his ass whooped by epic beard man? We may never know, but whatever the case this guy could really use a pick-me-up, and from my experience he’s on the right bus!

Location: 25th and St. Paul, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.0/5
Description: This one is hilarious for a number of reasons. First. I received about twenty different submissions of this one from the same guy giving me better and better captions every time. I decided to post because I think he finally peaked with:

Looking like a fool with ya pants on the ground 

Second, although he’s lying down my wife was quick to point out that instead of passing out like a rookie, it looks like he’s in the middle of an intense tea party. The mad hatter don’t have shit on Baltimore - We don’t need fancy hats and coats for our tea time, in fact we don’t even need pants! Hell, who am I kidding, we don’t even need tea!!

Location: Eastern Market, 7th St SE & D St. SE, Washington, DC
Rating: 2.0/5
Description: I’m going to leave the description of this one up to the submitter, who was kind enough to say exactly what was on my mind:

Did anybody notice an escaped leopard from the National Zoo today??? Thank God somebody fed it some Local Organic South East DC smack. Don’t want any of those yuppies to be attacked leaving yoga class.

This is also a good time to point out that while TGOH is based in Baltimore, we are a blog about heroin addicts doing zombie-yoga anywhere in the world, not just Baltimore. I know 99% of my posts are from Baltimore, but in my defense 99% of my submissions are from Baltimore, and to be honest most other cities just can’t hang. 

I have a pretty damn long queue of quality Baltimore submissions to work through, but in the meantime this is your chance to prove me wrong America. So send in your leaner pics from anywhere in the world and we’ll let American decide if your city can play in the big leagues.

Location: Cross St Market, Federal Hill, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: I would usually rate this rather low for sitting down, but unlike most of my submissions this man is not a mere heroin junkie. No, this man is a liberator, a hero of sorts who frees bikes in the city from becoming ensnared in the ever growing web of chains and locks! Read the caption and see for yourself:

I actually recognized this subject as my neighbor.  The last time I saw him, he was using bolt cutters in a valiant attempt to free a bike that had become tangled with a lock.  This fine Saturday morning, he decided to take a snooze on the curb next to historic Cross Street Market.

Sure, he looks like a washed-out former dockworker who’s next employment opportunity is stamping plates in Jessup while doing a nickle for B&E, but just like Bruce Wayne hid his true superhero nature though a playboy persona, this man is masking his neighborhood vigilantism with public intoxication and a thick aroma of BO.

As a resident of Baltimore who has many bikes ago learned to keep my bike inside the house at all times due to those maniacal locks, I salute you sir and give you the most honorable of honorable mentions.

Location: Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA
Rating: 2.1/5
Description: This submission comes out Philadelphia, or as I call it Baltimore with slightly more poor white people. They’re pretty much the same city only Philly had to outdo their southern neighbor by piling THREE TIMES the poverty and blight into a single city. Showoffs.

I could tell right away this wasn’t Baltimore, and it’s not because the guy on the steps is riding the Horse sitting down. It’s because, unlike Baltimore, the building behind this guy isn’t boarded up and the street doesn’t have knee high weeds and plastic bags blowing around.

Weaksauce. Any city where the residents would send their children to live with their Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air after one little fight is just not hardcore enough to be taken seriously by the judges at TGOH. 

Location: Sissen St. & 28th Street. Remington, Baltimore.
Rating: 4.2/5
Description: Shorty getting low! For some reason all I can think about in this picture is trying to take a dump in a foreign bathroom where the toilet is nothing more than a hole in the ground. Most Americans I know can’t handle that shit when they’re stone cold sober, and this chick is half asleep and looks ready to blast out some night soil in the middle of a Baltimore neighborhood. Impressive!

The caption submitter appears to believe this was magic, but I think the only magic up this chick’s sleeves is how many of her veins in her arm she can make disappear:

At first glance, you would think this person has stopped to tie their shoe, however, take a second look and you’ll realize something magical is happening here. 

This Baltimore Zombie, like some sort of scourer, is practically levitating right in the middle of the street.  If only the photo could have captured him bobbing back and forth in this epic position. 

Either they have excelled at the art of squatting, or this is simply the power of that “Hay-ron!”

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: Unrated
Description: Pure awesome. 

Location: McDonalds,Fayette and Howard, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.8/5
Description: Ahhh, the ol’ Baltimore Nappy-meal. I gave this guy a few extra points because of the rarity of the situation, even though he’s passed out. I’m not talking about the rarity of some dude face-first in a double cheeseburger, I’m talking about a heroin addict eating actual food instead of keeping to their liquid diet, this guy is definitely off the wagon! 

Junkies passing out in their food in Baltimore restaurants is more common than you would think, and while it leads to some awkward dinner conversation, it sure beats Baltimore county’s favorite McDonald’s pastime of beating transgender patrons until they seizure. 

Location: The Avenue in Hampden, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Something strange has happened in Baltimore over the last decade and I’m still trying to figure out what it was… I remember a time when the only reason you went to the Ave was to pawn your fillings, or rent porn videos sorted in alphabetical order by director. Those were the good ol’ days.

Now the Ave is full of wine bars, organic pet shops, yoga studios and one-off coffee shops. It’s like a bug light for skinny pants-ed hipsters with disks in their ears, who would scoff at the idea of buying coffee in a store which sells donuts, unless they were doing so in an ironic fashion.

Seeing this submission brings me back to the good ol days, where you could get blasted in Frazier’s of of $20 in cheap beer, stumble through the street until you found a cheesy lawn ornament to puke on, and sleep it off in comfort on a stranger’s steps knowing that there was a good chance the occupant would be sleeping on the same steps that night. The Ave may have changed, but I’m glad there are still people like this guy out there to show these kids what Hamden used to be all about.

Location: 25th Pl and Bladensburg Rd, NE Washington, DC
Rating: 4.0/5.0
Description: Wow… DC went there. I can’t tell if this is one of the best junkie photos I’ve ever received or the aftermath of a prison yard rape. The caption doesn’t make it any easier:

Face down, ass up, that’s the way he likes to sleep.

Honestly, this is a fucking awesome submission, but took almost a whole point off for the guy being passed out and the remainder of that point for the three dudes creepily lingering over a man with this ass hanging in the wind.

Location: Baltimore, MD Venice Beach, CA
Rating: 4.7/5
Description: This got a few extra points for the superb video editing. I was a little upset she was holding onto the rails, but the dancing made it for me, although adding a soundtrack would have made this a near perfect submission.

If you’re wondering what’s going on here let me fill you in with my best guess. I’m guessing this was taken on either the 1st or the 15th of the month, and this woman was caught up in the moment and forgot somewhere in the rush of cashing her SSI check that she wasn’t at work and didn’t need to grind the counter to collect.

UPDATE: The location on this one was recently changed after reader response pointed out it was taken in Venice Beach, CA.

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.3/5
Description: Reason #29375 Baltimore is more hardcore than your city:

Your city tailgates by cooking burgers and drinking cheap beer in a stadium parking lot. Baltimore tailgates by cooking junk on a stolen hospital spoon and then shooting it with a rusty needle in a piss-stained alley. 

See, the thing is we’re going for the same inebriated effect, only your city is doing it with a Chevy Geo and Baltimore is doing it with a McLaren F1. They’ll both get you there, only with one of them the ride will be so damn fun you won’t mind that you knocked out your teeth when you hit the gas pedal, and your city is the other one.

Location: Berlin, Germany
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: The most interesting thing about this picture is not the man passed out public transit, but rather the young lady right next to him reading a book without a care in the world.

It must be cultural thing, but when USA junkies get fucked up it’s not enough to quietly enjoy their high sitting next to a stranger on public transit, they have to let the WHOLE WORLD know just how damn smacked out they are. They can’t simply inject a substance some 15 year-old sold them on the street directly into their veins  they have to become a walking billboard for just how damn good their mystery bag was and show off by drooling, pissing and passing out in the most disturbing way possible so everyone knows just how damn cool they are because they live a “hard” life which all but requires them to shoot smack while the rest of us trudge around in our cushy, stress-free, lives of drudgery. 

Sure, German’s have screwed up in the past… twice, but they seem to have gotten their shit together lately and learned how to take their H in a civilized fashion which still allows others to enjoy the ride. Unfortunately, this blog doesn’t give points for civility (actually, we take points off for civility) and this guy is so damn nice I can’t even imagine he’s actually on H. Probably a cultural difference.

Location: Pratt and Howard, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.6/5
Description: This one was from way back in August of last year and somehow it fell through the cracks until now. I’m glad I found it though because it reminds me just how awesome the O’s last season was! Sure this guy is hanging onto that table for dear life, but in his defense it may have had less to do with the H than his inability to handle having a winning team so late in the season.

Honestly, with spring training starting in Florida I need something to hold onto as I’m wondering how we could take such an amazing season and add NOTHING to the roster in the off-season. Then again, Buck has proven me to be a complete idiot on all things baseball before and there is a good chance that we’ll all need to hang onto something come August of this year when they do it again!

Location: Shot Tower Metro Station, President Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.1/5
Description: I like this submission, and not just because it explains where my bike went. I live in Baltimore I assume anything metal I leave outside will be zombie walked across town to scrap it for blast money. The great irony is that lugging a bike that distance doing the junkie shuffle actually pays less than a minimum wage job if you take all the naps into account.

This submission came with the following caption: 

The bicycle is just leaning against him, he’s not using it to hold himself up in any way.  Made it through a whole traffic light cycle and he still hadn’t moved before we left.

I believe you on this one, and even added a tenth of a point for this guy having the balls to think he can ride a bike when most other people would be taken to the hospital. Of course, this is Baltimore, we aren’t most other people we pride ourselves on doing all kinds of crazy shit on smack, like biking, working, voting or running for and winning the 9th city council district.

Location: Eastern and S Bond St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.2/5
Description: Pimptacular Pete must have had a long night using his cane to keep them bitches sane. From the looks of it we can even tell which one is the pimp hand, he’s either new at this or it’s so strong he has to keep it tied down when he’s sleeping.

Good show Baltimore, still going to take some points off of Gold Member here for being passed out. Even if it’s just because pimpin’ ain’t easy.

Location: Baltimore St and Park Ave, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.6/5
Description: Three weeks ago this guy held down a steady job and volunteered at his local soup kitchen. And then the Berger Cookies disappeared…

Unable to satisfy his cravings for those sweet butter cookies piled high with rich, dark, chocolaty fudge he spiraled downward to a life of hard drugs and rocking out solo in front of the 1st Mariner Arena because the Berger stand at Lexington was as empty as the void in his soul that used to be filled with Berger Cookies.

This chilling documentary makes us all wonder: How many weeks of this Berger Cookie shortage before we too are swinging to the beat of sweet lady H? Pray that we never have to find out.

Location: Charles Street and Lafayette Ave, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.2/5
Description: This is just sad. I mean think about how that kid is going to turn out, their mom is a total little bitch that can’t handle her smack. All it’s friends moms are rocking their belly bump to sleep as a counterbalance to a bad-ass junkie sway and here this kid is, stuck with it’s one-shot-before-bed, bitch-ass mom.

With any help Baltimore City social services will step in and do what they do best in these situations, place the kid in a group home where the kid will DEFINITELY learn how to shoot their smack the right way!

Location: Mt Washington Light Rail Stop, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.3/5
Description: This submission came complete with one of the most interesting back stories I’ve received to date, and not just because every word in the caption was capitalized:

So This Gem Was Waiting Next To Me At The Mt. Washington Lightrail Station This Afternoon, Around 3:30PM.  When I First Arrived, He Was Standing Upright, His Reading Material Held High To The Sky…Honestly, Made Me Wonder If He Just Needed Some More Reading Light Or Something.  A Minute Later, I Turned Around From Grabbing My Lightrail Ticket And Aforementioned Reading Material Was In The Process Of Falling To The Ground, Where He Steadily Continued To Lean Over Into An Almost Complete Toe Touch To Continue Reading This Gripping Article.  Yes, Points May Be Taken Away Due To His Needing To Lean Against The Lightrail Shelter To Stay Upright, But Let Us Remember, Baltimore Is “The City That Reads,” So At Least He Is Representing. 

I did take off one full point for the lean against the post, but he did earn some points back for gaining my utmost respect. While getting blasted at a transit stop is par for the course on this site, getting blasted at a transit stop and using your seven minutes of heaven to read up on the news is just straight class.

This guy is so desensitized to H that he’s actually BORED of being high and reading a magazine like he’s waiting for this to just be over so he can go out and score some real drugs for the night. He’s probably not even bending over because he’s high, he probably just throws his back out all the time from having to lug around those gigantic, drug-metabolizing balls.