Location: RoFo at Fleet and Boston Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.1/5
Caption: Just trying to rent a movie bro.
Description: Ready for my horrible one liner… Looks like this guy was dealt a Royal Flush… (I can hear the groans).
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Location: RoFo at Fleet and Boston Street, Baltimore, MDRating:...
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Location: Nick’s Seafood, Cross Street Market,...
Location: Nick’s Seafood, Cross Street Market, Baltimore
Rating: 4.6/5
Description: The hipster in me loves the Canadian tuxedo this guy is wearing, but is it still cool if he’s not wearing it ironically?
This guy kind of looks like one of the dock workers from the second season of the wire who just decided after the shoot finished 8 years ago “Fuck it, I’ll just stay here and shoot smack!”
Probably for the best, from what I could tell if were a featured character on season 2 and your character wasn’t named Frank Sobotka you never landed an acting job again anyway.
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Location: North Ave & Belair Road, Baltimore, MD Rating:...
Location: North Ave & Belair Road, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.3/5
Description: This is the double rainbow of bus bench zombies. Unfortunately, in this case the second rainbow is blocking my favorite part where the bench makes the completely valid assertion that Baltimore is in fact the greatest city in America.
People always scoff at that statement like that’s an ironic statement or something. Sure, our residents of Hollins Market area rarely live past 60, and our number of people living below the poverty line has been higher than the entire state of Maryland until about 5 years ago, but long, healthy, productive lives are not what make American cities great.
Think about it folks, what makes America great? Our education? HA! Our healthcare system? HAHAHA! How about our income equality? HAHAHAHAHA! No folks, what has and always will make America great are guns, and Baltimore has a FUCKLOAD more guns than your city.
16-years-old kid wants to shoot someone at a carryout because they wanted the $10 he had in his pocket? We have a gun for that. 14-year-old girl wants to hold up some Hispanic dudes and then shoot them in the head when they laugh because she’s so young? We have a gun for that. District 9 City Councilman want to shoot at a crowd of angry poll workers because you promised them money to work and reneged on the offer? We DEFINITELY have a gun for that (don’t we Pete?).
So Baltimore may not be the healthiest, cleanest, most hospitable city in America, but when it comes to what really makes an America great, we’re packing more than our fair share.
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Location: Colfax and Washington, Denver, CORating:...
Location: Colfax and Washington, Denver, CO
Rating: 2.8/5
Caption: Guy was nice enough to share with his dog…
Description: Amazing! This guy taught his dog to do an impression of Orb in the Preakness. Last time I blew $100 for two and a half minutes of entertainment I was on the Duke lacrosse team.
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Location: Lombard and Light, Baltimore,...
Location: Lombard and Light, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.3/5
Caption:
Loosey can of Miller Lite: $1.25
20 bag of Baltimore’s finest heroin: $20
Getting your dope nod on while getting the perfect tan: priceless.
Description: Two things could have happened here:
1. The “No Loitering” sign put the fear of the long arm of the law in him in a way in which countless felony arrests have yet to achieve.
2. He finally found “THE” shot of heroin and ascended into heaven somewhere between pics.
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Location: Glen Burnie, MDRating: 2.9/5Caption: There is a...
Location: Glen Burnie, MD
Rating: 2.9/5
Caption: There is a methadone clinic nearby. Somehow, I don”t think this guy goes there.
Description: This post is a nod to the new Brookings Institute study which observes that there are now more people in the United States living in poverty in the suburbs than in the cities of America. Baltimore is no exception, and it’s hard to imagine but if the Corner were filmed today it is statistically more likely to be set off Merritt Boulevard than West Fayette.
This guy is part of that movement. Like the generation of white people fleeing integration around the time he was born he too is fleeing the city for greener pastures, looser policing, and being closer to the source of his product now that even the successful drug dealers have moved out of the city.
God bless, and as a city resident I am so happy to finally be able to share the blessing of zombies with the counties so that they can once again flee from their problems like little bitches they are, running away with their floppy wrists and girly screams from people in different socioeconomic classes, only this time ironically back into the cities (or into the exurbs if you just can’t stand the idea of living near minorities).
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Location: Baltimore and Gay, Baltimore, MDRating: Honorable...
Location: Baltimore and Gay, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Dhalsim has fallen on hard times since being cut out of the lucrative Street Fighter franchise.
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Location: W.Baltimore Street and Paca, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: W.Baltimore Street and Paca, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.7/5
Description: This homeless lady was probably the senior business developer at a mid-sized marketing agency in Hunt Valley before she made the unfortunate decision which lead to her eventual financial ruin… of which I’m referring to buying a flannel jacket.
I don’t know why it is, but I feel that no matter how well off you are there is something about those greyish, puke green flannel jackets which just screams “I’ll suck your fucking cock for some sweet lady H”.
There is basically no point in your life when flannel winter jackets just feel like the right thing to do, and most likely if you are not already homeless and looking for outerwear which will absorb the most knife in a ham-sandwich-knife-fight, you’re just one purchase of a flannel jacket away.
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Location: Pulaski Highway and Paca St, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: Pulaski Highway and Paca St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.0/5
Caption: “Just gimme one more second, I know there’s a quarter in here somewhere. I seent it!”
Description: The republicans were right, we pass gay marriage in Maryland and next thing you know people want to marry the parking meter. Damn you Rush and you’re amazing insights into the human condition!
I would have given this guy a much higher rating, especially because of the extreme closeup (which I’m now starting to rate higher because of the balls it takes to snap a pic at point-blank range), but he’s hanging into his date pretty heavy there. All I know is that if this were a middle school dance those two would end up with the stuffed bear between them.
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Location: Washington Monument Park, Mt Vernon, Baltimore,...
Location: Washington Monument Park, Mt Vernon, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Caption: I saw this gentleman walking to the park down the street- with every step his dose had more of an effect on him until he got to this point and toppled over the ropes (ironically to keep people from messing up the grass in an effort to “beautify the park” before it’s trampled by the first Thursday event).
Description: This must be the Baltimore variation of the R.I.C.E. method of nursing injuries. We still do Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation but we throw in a boatload of smack so even if that other shit doesn’t work you just don’t care.
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Location: MLK and Lombard, Baltimore, MDRating:...
Location: MLK and Lombard, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.2/5
Caption: Couldn’t quite make it to the stadium, I suppose.
Description: I’m pretty sure this year Camden yards finally implemented a “pants required” policy, which probably explains why this guy was outside the stadium.
All I can say about this picture is that the westside smack must be so damn good right now that this dude is willing to open up shop on his ass to get some more. Well sir, I hope your anonymous anal pays off in dividends, because you’re lean is spectacular and I can’t imagine a world in which you find Jesus, clean up, and deprive us all of your magical gift of walking around naked and fucked out of your mind.
Remember, no matter what your family or parole officer tells you, you’re awesome just the way you are… as long as your high on smack with your ass flapping in the wind, otherwise you’re kind of an asshole…
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Location: Somewhere on Belair Road, Baltimore,...
Location: Somewhere on Belair Road, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.1/5
Caption:
TWO TIMES FOR IS HALF OF SIXTEEN,
ALL FOR B-MORE STAND UP AND LEAN!
AAAA LEANA LEANA LEANA LEAN!
After a day of reminiscing about his days as a cheerleader in his 3 years as a High School Sophomore, our friend here decided to say a prayer, pour a little out for his homies, and lay a little smack down on himself. Godspeed and fair thee well…
Description: This submitter apparently is trying out for the staff position. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s already been filled by Michele Bachmann…
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Location: PowerPlant Live!Rating: 3.7/5Description: We are one...
Location: PowerPlant Live!
Rating: 3.7/5
Description: We are one lonely violin and a voice-over away from making me cry… from laughing! This guy is just so funny! I mean he is a total riot, he doesn’t crazy things like this all the time.
One time me and Smackie (we call him that for short, his real name is Bob), we were going to go to our jobs and then pick up our kids from school and come home and do some work around the house, but Smackie blew all that off to kick in the back door of his neighbors place, pawn their laptop and then shoot heroin into his testicles in an alley behind Lexington Market with a needle that more than likely had Syphilis!! What a joker right?!
Oh man, well this is just an other picture of Smackie being Smackie…
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Location: MLK between Lombard and Pratt, Baltimore,...
Location: MLK between Lombard and Pratt, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.1/5
Description: This submission is like that movie Inception, and not just because it took me almost a week to figure it out. Take a good look at the first ten seconds of this video, you’ll see the guy in the Orange shirt take a pic of the leaner with his pants around his ankle and thenliterally run away. Now take a look at this post!
That’s right folks, for the first time ever you TGOH has a submission inside a submission! I thought the other guy stole the zombies wallet the way he took off, but instead all he stole was this guy’s inflated sense of self-worth and for that we thank him.
Finally, I took a tenth of a point off this one from the last because Usain Bolt did get the closer pic…
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Location: Near W. Lombard, Pigtown, Baltimore,...
Location: Near W. Lombard, Pigtown, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.5/5
Description: All I can think of when I got this submission of a guy sleeping on an electric transformer is “what a genius idea!”. I mean not only does this guy get the extra added height to lord over the plethora of other homeless people invariably spending the night around the base of this thing, but I bet it also charges his cell phone without having to plug it in!
Of course there is always the concern about the inevitable hobo-zombie fluid leaks which will of course lead to this guys untimely demise, but honestly that death is to smackheads as dying in battle was to the Vikings. This guy would go directly to smackhead Valhalla, which I could imagine would be a plastic coated Eden.
Took a lot of points off on this one because he’s passed out and it’s really not the ideal angle to get a good idea of what’s going on. For all I know he’s already passed over the rainbow bridge and is sharing a needle with Oden himself… and if that’s the case this one is at least a 3.
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HATE MAIL RATINGMessage: Why do you think it’s so fucking...
HATE MAIL RATING
Message:
Why do you think it’s so fucking cool to be a fucking asshole and violate people’s privacy taking they’re pictures without they’re permission so you can sit on your high horse and make fun of them online? Does it make your day that much better being a stuck up faggot?
Obviously Fake Email Address: TSB (fuckyou@fuckyou.com)
Rating: 2.2/5
Description: Not only does this lack originality, but the message is completely without sting and the homophobic references aren’t even offensive anymore. Call me an insult hipster, but it’s 2013, saying “fuck you” to someone is basically how we say hello and calling someone a faggot these days just makes you pity the poor asshole making the remark. I mean sure, I let this guy’s dad give me a blow job, but I’m a guy and everyone knows we love to get our dicks sucked. No need to resort to name calling, especially when it shows your ignorance.
As for the rest of it it reads like a form letter. Where is the passion, the intensity, the streaming webcam of one of my pets being slowly dismembered in a vacant warehouse while you’re wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and ranting about how heroin addicts will inherit the earth? Honestly, a stock image taken straight from Google Images and a few “fuck you” and “faggots” placed in a seemingly random order? I better stop writing because the longer I do the lower your score drops…
Finally, I want to apologize to people who submitted pics because I’m responding to this limp-dick rather than spending time rating submissions.
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TGOH Summer "Internships"!
Over the summer I get way too many submissions to rate, and I’d like to get as many submissions out there as possible because you guys have sent in some crazy shit that still hasn’t seen the light of day.
That is why I’m starting a Summer “Internship” at TGOH. If you are interested in rating a submission simply send me your email address and I’ll send you a submission from the backlog. You rate it, give a description and send it back to me along with how you want to sign it. I’ll post it on the site and you can show all your friends your write-up on TGOH. It’s that easy.
If you’re interested please send me your email address privately either via Facebook, Twitter (yeah I’m on that shit now too… @tgohbaltimore) or Gmail (thatguysonheroin@gmail.com).
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Location: Lancaster At Broadway, Fells Point, Baltimore, MD...
Location: Lancaster At Broadway, Fells Point, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 4.75/5
Caption:“Dueling Dope Fiends” I had been walking around Fells one Tuesday afternoon in March and took notice of these two as they swaggered back and down in the middle of the square. About an hour later I passed and observed that they had made it about fifty feet north. I guess the one needed the rest… Slow going Zombies these two…
Description: This is a rare example of back lean and for that alone it’s worth a high rating. Throw in a second solid leaner and we’re hall of fame material! Now I’m just trying to figure out if Hall of Fame in TGOH is an honor…
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INTERNSHIP RATING! Location: Giant on York Road, Towson,...
INTERNSHIP RATING!
Location: Giant on York Road, Towson, MD
Rating: 2.0
Description: Training for the Special H Olympics seems to have led this zombie far from his usual inner city training grounds. Unfortunately, it appears he took his “Chasing the Dragon” event literally and his gear is weighing him down too much to make it to the East Baltimore ally where the event starts. In the words of a great American poet, “He’s going to a pretty place now where the flowers grow, he’ll be back in an hour or so.”
Extra points for possibly only having one leg, but I’m taking them right back for carrying around that sign which most likely says ”If found, please return to nearest tar den”.
-Earley
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INTERNSHIP RATING! Location: ”The Block”, Baltimore...
INTERNSHIP RATING!
Location: ”The Block”, Baltimore St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.0/5
Description: Here’s a dude that just doesn’t care. Is he pissing in the street or did he just blow a load after feeding money into a private viewing booth showing “Chicks with Dicks, Vol. 28”? The world may never know.
When the smacked out residents of our esteemed city usually drop a loaf in their pants and keep on shufflin’ it’s hard to tell exactly what is going on when someone hangs dong. Still I am giving this guy points for amazing public urination skills (or was is exposure?) and not giving a fuck, but he loses a bit for actually whipping it out and not pissing directly into his drawers without knowing about it.
Baltimore is amazing, they think of everything like the Walgreens down the street from the discount strip clubs so you can buy your antibiotics for the clap you caught in the VIP room at the Diamond Lounge the same night you pick it up! Just more forward thinking from the city that knowingly placed the red light district two blocks away from the Inner Harbor tourist traps, and less than a block from a kids Discovery Zone!
-K
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